you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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