Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
