i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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