just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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