I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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