just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
