i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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