Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
