so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
