i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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