I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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