I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize