somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
