omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize