I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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