my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
