About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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