im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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