Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
