State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
