i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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