What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
