3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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