Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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