I can text with my tongue
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
