Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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