the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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