I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
