I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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