Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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