They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
