watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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