The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
