I wish I could punch you in the face.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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