just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize