I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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