I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
