she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
