I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
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