is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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