Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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