i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
