Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
