Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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