Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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