I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
