My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
