Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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