Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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