I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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