i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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