she looked like the bat from fern gully.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
