I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
