I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize