hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
