woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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