Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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