it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize