I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
