Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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