Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
