bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
How's work?
Spinning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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