I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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