i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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