Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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