There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
