I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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